Where Oh Where Have I Been?

September 2008

where has she gone? why does she blog no more? what up with breezy breeze? huh, you say? i have been many places. my departure began with cancer. not me, thank the maker, but my precious grandmother. it began months earlier but her her final days began on feburary 14th, 2009. i got the call the right as i was finishing my valentine breakfast my boys had made me. the call: hospital, tears, internal bleeding, tears, not eating, tears, sniffle, tears, testing, not eating, bleeding, waiting. i was on my way. way to what? way to where? on my way to i had no idea what i was in for.

oh the places i have visited which include but are not limited to the following: cancer, sadness, helplessness, student of medical terms, teacher of medical terms, severe heart break, agony, love, devotion, family, unity, fate, choices, strength, fight, peace, suffering, suffering, suffering, a firm grasp on my past, hope for my children, absent mommy, forgiveness and compassion in my children's eyes, devotion, lonely souls, death, sadness, grief, bone aching pain, sleepless nights, blurry days, waiting for the end, not wanting to let go, alone, lost, sad the world lost a little drop of precious...

i could go on and on, but i will not. it was not a bad place to go, because i got some wonderful souvenirs. i learned so much from grandmother's passing. i will probably share over time. perhaps a drip here and there. it has been almost a year, it will be a year march 2nd. i have grieved the best i know how, but we all know i do not do emotional well. it still hits me when i least expect it, the pain in my stomach. the knowing this wonderful being no longer shares our earth. do not fear though because i see her. i see her in my children and i imagine somewhere in my self. i miss her but have so many memories and if i close my eyes in the still of night i can hear her say my name. i can feel her hands braiding my hair. oh, how she nurtured us. so with that i will share my word.

in the scrapbooking world we are encouraged to choose one word every year to cultivate in our lives as we tell our stories through scrapography. (yes, so nerdy i know, yes you can give me geek dollar) my word this year is NURTURE. it is defined as the following: care for and encourage the growth or development of. this word is the essence of my grandmother reedie belle walker, aka "honey" because she was so sweet. lucas is named after her, lucas reed garrott-carroll. the most magical part is his eyes are the exact color of honey. that picture up top there. that is the last one. the last picture of honey with my boys. we lost her 6 months later. they were able to know her. this makes me smile

with all of this said the best i can for now which does not feel very well at all, wait for it, i will be returning to my blogging>insert applause here>----->****** i have given myself a year. i lost a lot of inspiration for a long time, but everyday it comes back more and more. i was just so so sad. i am going to try and post at leas twice a week. i will blog roll some of the blogs i follow. i will share my thoughts, what-nots, photos and moments of our lives.