A Letter to My Twin Friends

eden and logan,

i cannot believe you are already 2 years old. 

i remember the day you were born.
of course your mama drove herself to the hospital.
it was a friday.
she called me to come and pick up melia, she had a feeling.
you were less than 32 weeks cooked.
we could only hope it was enough.
you two felt you were done, well at least eden was done.
i got to the hospital as they were getting ready for your final ultra sound.
i was babysitting little lana, melia wondered where i had been hiding her all this time.  
we waited until your daddy arrived, he decided to cancel his appointments just in case.
the two of you arrived via emergency c-section just an hour later.
it was your time.


you two are fighters.
logan you were so tiny and stressed you blew a lung.
eden you were eden from the start you were just tiny.
you averaged out to 3 pounds each.
give or take a few ounces.


i came to see you and your momma the next day.
i hung out with your big brother for a bit while daddy made a house call.
you two were not ready for visitors yet.
the nurse was nice enough to take my camera into the nicu for me.
you met my camera before me!
i have no boundaries i know. 
i needed to see you guys.

Logan Noah Woods

Eden Woods


ok, wow, thank you kind nurse i am not sure i was ready for this.
you two are the smallest people i have ever met.
at this point eden you did not have a middle name yet.
you soon became Eden Cora Woods.
considering your early arrival you were both doing great.
eden you were stronger and so pink, i think you are responsible for getting the show on the road.
logan you were tiny and more frail, but you are a fighter.
your mama was doing great.

i came back the next day, because i am kind of a baby stalker.
you were ready for visitors!!!
i told myself i would love each of you half as much as i love your sister.
that seemed fair.
i was mistaken, because hearts are very big.
we decided it was time. 
lucas came along for the big event.
so lucas, your mama, and i went to meet you.
eden you were enjoying your window seat basking in the sun.
logan you were once again, fighting for your little life.
at the moment we came to see you they were removing your pic line.
you were not ready, you were suffocating.
i was not ready for this.
when i saw you tiny people i realized i would love each of you just as much as your sister.

Eden in the sunlight

Eden sun bathing

Eden's tiny foot

Logan recovering

Logan's tiny foot

Logan's fighting hand


logan you were stabilized and i was drained.
my first trip to a nicu was terrifying!
there are a lot of machine's and a lot of beeping sounds.
i am so glad i got to meet you and would not trade the trauma for anything!


i came to visit you a couple of times a week.

i could not believe your progress by tuesday!

eden was not my biggest fan at this time

she had more important things to do like grow

6 days later we got to hold Logan. Eden was busy sleeping.

have you ever held a 3 pound person?

look no more bells and whistles


you two amazed everyone with your progress.
soon you were wearing clothes and acting like very sleepy little people.

eden says hi

logan was so alert this day

no more oven for this guy!

Eden would like to go home now!


eden you got to come four days later.

your first day out of hoag 4/8/08

it was your brothers birthday and i was hosting his party at my house.
so you came to pizza night and partied in a safe corner away from the grubby paws.


don't worry logan you were right behind her.
you two continued to grown and get stronger everyday.
it was such a relief to have both of you home.

ying and yang

so tiny


both of you just kept eating and eating.
by the summer you looked like this

just 3 months old!

seriously 3 months


by now you both had your personalities in place.
logan you are observant and watchful.
you wait for just the right moment to strike.
you are thoughtful and loving and very kind.
eden your are just eden.
you are the attention seeker, feisty and quick to react.
you are loyal, protective and a care taker.


i am so amazed by both of you.
i can honestly say i have been here with you almost from the moment you were both born.


as you grow up each i am so happy to have you both in my life.
i see you nearly everyday and it is always new and exciting.


i was so happy to host your second birthday.
i wrote this letter to you so it will be noted in cyberspace how far you two have come.
i wanted to show just how tiny you were.
i know your journey's are just beginning.
i love that you two are always up for the ride.
we have already been on lots of adventures.
you never cramp our style and always add to the experience.
i have documented so much of your lives already and look forward to the road ahead.


you two rock and are the best twin friends a girl could have!

 

So Sassy and Sensitive

A little note for my little little boy:

 

Lucas Reed

Oh, my little Lucas

How you make us laugh

You are so sassy and sensitive

We love that about you

I love to hear you laugh

You complete our family

I love you always

Thank you for the joy

love, Mommy 

Always and Forever

A little note for my little boy...

 

little note says:

 Jackson Cole

mommy loves you so much.

you are so big and strong it seems like you

do not need me, but i know you do.

i often have so much to say to you but the words get stuck

in my heart.

please know i love you forever and always.

love, mommy 

Rainbow's and unicorn's

Don't you wish life could just be about rainbow's and unicorn's?

Warning: this is a whopper!

It has been a year and I am ready.

I am posting this for me not for you.

I would like to share with you though.

I am not sure why, just thought I should.

March 2, 2009 opened some serious gates.

My sister Koren and I made this:

and it's sister

 

we also made one of these:

i hope you never make one because it goes here:

for her, do you see a theme, she loved pink.

We made a number of other beautiful arrangements in a haze of adrenaline fueled creativity.

To say the least there was love in every petal, lots of love.

We poured our grief into laying our beloved grandmother to rest.

Being the honorable person she was she had a small life insurance policy, because she did not want to be a burden.

You know what we made it work.

Yes we did.  

We pooled all of our efforts, talents and funds.

My sisters and I laid our grandmother to rest and she was at peace.

I am proud.

I was given the honor of writing and reading her eulogy.

I am posting it here:

When I think of my grandmother the word nurture comes to mind.  Nurture is defined as, the process of caring for and encouraging the growth and development of something or someone.  The word nurture is synonymous with cherish.  Cherish means to protect and care for someone lovingly.

To me these two words nurture and cherish embody Reedie Belle Walker, her heart and her soul.

I must take a moment to talk about that name, Reedie Belle Walker.  To some she was Rita, to others she was Reedie and to a few select little people she her name was “Honey”.  I called her Rita until I was about 12 years old.  Somehow I came across her CA state identification card where her name was listed as one Reedie Belle Walker.  My, oh my!  It all made so much more sense now.  I immediately feel in love with this real name of hers, and never called her Rita again.  She just seemed more like a Reedie Belle to me.  Such, a sweet precious southern name, for a precious lady.  I remember her telling me she never really liked her name and just decided to call herself Rita.  Well, I just had to say goodbye to Rita and Hello to Reedie.

When her first grandson Terrell was a baby she called him “honey”.  In turn he called her “honey”.  She became Honey to him always and forever.  There could not be a more perfect name for this woman.  Always so full of sweetness and a heart made of gold.  Thus, she became Honey to the next 4 great-grandsons as well.

As a granddaughter of this wonderful woman I have so many memories.  I can remember playing with pots and pans on the kitchen floor while she cooked when I was so tiny.  I remember the feeling of her hands gently braiding my long curly hair.  When we were school age we would spend long days at the park and Saturday evenings down in the washroom.  I can still remember the wonderful smell of warm laundry piled on the folding table.  I can still hear the gentle hum of dryer while we folded clothes and chatted for hours.  I will always miss the bowls of oatmeal made just right, fried cheeseburgers for lunch, and pot roast on Sunday nights.

One always felt loved in Honey’s presence.  I do not ever remember a scolding or harsh word coming from her lips.  For some reason just being around her made you want to do right.  She made you want to be a better person.

With her loving presence came devotion.  She was dedicated to raising her children and grandchildren.  She was a modest simple woman who asked for very little and gave so much to all of us.  She has given much more to us than she will ever know.  I truly believe her spirit lives on in all of us.

You can see Reedie’s love for children in her daughter Retta who adores children and cares for them daily as her job.  In Victoria you can see her love for cooking and preparing large meals to bring together family and friends.  I seem to have inherited her strong need to do for others as well as her love for celebrity gossip.  You can physically witness Honey in Koren.  Her body, the way she carries herself and her soft spoken manner.

As mother’s I am sure Victoria and I will see things in her great-grandsons Shane, Ryan, Jackson, and Reedie’s little namesake Lucas Reed who has eyes the color of honey and a heart of gold just like his great-grandmother.

I strongly believe Honey’s bright light lies on in her daughters son Terrel.  In Reedie’s final days here on earth I was able to witness her true spirit in him.  This young man of 26 years old sat by her bedside and held onto her hand for literally 12-15 hours from day into night.  He was there to meet any need she expressed and anticipate any need she might have.  I was very moved by his love, devotion, and compassion for his grandmother Honey whom called him Sonny.  I could truly feel his appreciation for every school lunch she packed for every shirt she ironed and pressed for him.  I could see he honored every word of encouragement and took every ounce of pride she felt for all of his academic achievements to heart.  I know in his mind there are not enough words to express the love and devotion he has for this wonderful woman in his heart and soul.  I do believe one day when he looks into his childs eyes for the first time boy or girl he will see his own little “honey” looking right back at him.  I also believe he will nurture the same gift of compassion, love, and devotion the he was blessed to receive.  Honey’s light will continue to burn bright.

Reedie spent her final days surrounded by people that mattered most to her, her daughter, her grandchildren and her close friends.  I feel that she felt our presence and unconditional love for her.  For a woman who never asked for anything in those moments had all that she had ever wanted.  It was our time to care for her after all that she had done or us. 

Each and every one of her caregivers commented on what a sweet woman Ms. Walker was.  Even her final hours she was so kind, polite and precious to everyone around her.  Several of the nurses also commented on how loving we were as a family.  They were overwhelmed and moved to tears by our devotion and compassion for our grandmother.  We were just giving back to her what she has given to us.  Reedies job well done became evident to me from the kind words of her doctor.  She also wanted to share with us how moved she was by the out pouring of love she saw in all the people surrounding Honey’s bedside 20 hours a day.  With tears in her eyes the doctor mentioned after speaking with all of us she went home and thought of us and was overcome with memories of her own childhood and family and was deeply touched by our affection for this mother and grandmother.

All of these kind words from others, strangers at that are a true testiment that Reedie did a remarkable job while here on earth.  She nurtured a family into compassionate people with kind and loving spirits.  Going through this process with her has shown me the power and importance of nurturing the human spirit and soul.  I can now truly recognize how deeply blessed I am to have been nurtured by Ms. Reedie Belle Walker. 

As we leave here this morning and finally lay Honey to rest, and as we continue to grieve and mourn, please remember that Honey’s light shines on in all of us.  Remember that she did her job her on earth and she did it well.  We have all been blessed with her love, for anyone in her presence was loved. 

My boys heard these song lyrics this week in the car and asked if the man was singing to Honey.  I will share some lyrics of the song with you now.

“She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me


Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me


It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause


She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me"

Thank you.

 

Honey's 80th birthday

and yes she was the princess for the day! 

With all of that said and done this will now be a happy place.

I needed to let some things out.

They have been stuck inside.

If you made it to the end, thanks for reading.

I hope I did not make you cry.

Where Oh Where Have I Been?

September 2008

where has she gone? why does she blog no more? what up with breezy breeze? huh, you say? i have been many places. my departure began with cancer. not me, thank the maker, but my precious grandmother. it began months earlier but her her final days began on feburary 14th, 2009. i got the call the right as i was finishing my valentine breakfast my boys had made me. the call: hospital, tears, internal bleeding, tears, not eating, tears, sniffle, tears, testing, not eating, bleeding, waiting. i was on my way. way to what? way to where? on my way to i had no idea what i was in for.

oh the places i have visited which include but are not limited to the following: cancer, sadness, helplessness, student of medical terms, teacher of medical terms, severe heart break, agony, love, devotion, family, unity, fate, choices, strength, fight, peace, suffering, suffering, suffering, a firm grasp on my past, hope for my children, absent mommy, forgiveness and compassion in my children's eyes, devotion, lonely souls, death, sadness, grief, bone aching pain, sleepless nights, blurry days, waiting for the end, not wanting to let go, alone, lost, sad the world lost a little drop of precious...

i could go on and on, but i will not. it was not a bad place to go, because i got some wonderful souvenirs. i learned so much from grandmother's passing. i will probably share over time. perhaps a drip here and there. it has been almost a year, it will be a year march 2nd. i have grieved the best i know how, but we all know i do not do emotional well. it still hits me when i least expect it, the pain in my stomach. the knowing this wonderful being no longer shares our earth. do not fear though because i see her. i see her in my children and i imagine somewhere in my self. i miss her but have so many memories and if i close my eyes in the still of night i can hear her say my name. i can feel her hands braiding my hair. oh, how she nurtured us. so with that i will share my word.

in the scrapbooking world we are encouraged to choose one word every year to cultivate in our lives as we tell our stories through scrapography. (yes, so nerdy i know, yes you can give me geek dollar) my word this year is NURTURE. it is defined as the following: care for and encourage the growth or development of. this word is the essence of my grandmother reedie belle walker, aka "honey" because she was so sweet. lucas is named after her, lucas reed garrott-carroll. the most magical part is his eyes are the exact color of honey. that picture up top there. that is the last one. the last picture of honey with my boys. we lost her 6 months later. they were able to know her. this makes me smile

with all of this said the best i can for now which does not feel very well at all, wait for it, i will be returning to my blogging>insert applause here>----->****** i have given myself a year. i lost a lot of inspiration for a long time, but everyday it comes back more and more. i was just so so sad. i am going to try and post at leas twice a week. i will blog roll some of the blogs i follow. i will share my thoughts, what-nots, photos and moments of our lives.

LIVE FROM STARBUCKS

since i do not work until 12 today i decided to bring my computer and begin catching up. i have decided to start with valentines day and work my way back. just in case i never have time to "catch up" at least i will be some what current. right? makes perfect sense in my brain.

well i am no longer at starbucks, i am home, and it is two days later!!! back to our regular scheduled program....

project #1:
i made 40 of these little puffy heart pins for the boys to hand out as valentines. they took about 6-9 minutes each to make. by about number 9 i realized i may have over committed but there was no turning back. so glad i marched forward, they were a huge hit and the boys were so proud to hand them out. all their little friends seemed to really treasure the little hearts. so glad it made all the time worth it.


project #2
we made 8 dozen hot pink and choco b's babycakes for school and i took some to work. did i mention my oven can only bake 12 cupcakes at a time!!!!!!!


project #3
"it's valentines day and we want to be fancy..." getting their hair to lay flat was a project. they are the cutest used car salesman ever. they chose their own ensembles, it is the montessori way!!! i am just an observer, i am just an observer....